unspoken

I was saddened when a friend informed me that she is leaving school. Although I clearly see her point, I still tried to convince her to pursue her studies as she is about to graduate this coming school year. But my efforts proved futile. I was disappointed, but I cannot blame her. I have undergone the same consequences and almost came up with the same decision.

At one point, I felt that I was becoming a hypocrite for telling her that the consequences are not as difficult the way she sees it. I, myself, suffered a lot and almost thought of giving up. It was not actually easy—living as a poor student. Like my friend, I was among the poorest of the poor in the class during my college years.

As my friend detailed the hardships that she encountered, all my bittersweet memories rushed back into my mind as well. My memories are still so fresh that they still make me smile. Whenever I try to reckon all my college memories, one thing always stands out—hunger. I have experienced it in the highest possible meaning of the word itself. It’s something that never fails to cross my mind whenever I recall those memories.

It was only like yesterday, I, being a student and a boarder in Legazpi City. Whenever we talk about our hardships, my board mates and I call it “exhibitions”—a euphemistic way of referring to our efforts to survive. Like my friend, I experienced a lot of hardships because of financial constraints. My parents provide me with inconsistent and inadequate financial support. Being a member of a broken family made my condition worse. I had no other choice then but to fight for survival in order to finish college.

I remember how it felt to have a cup of coffee for lunch or eating oatmeal (the ones that are sold per kilo) for a couple of days. Sometimes, the thought that you are going to take the same thing again for your next meal is enough to lose your appetite. At some point, I recourse to sleeping instead of taking my meals. It has been a proven cost cutting measure in my case. When things get worse, I sometimes skip meals just to ensure that I would still have something for the next day. These are few of the things that I’ve been through in order to survive—something that my friend failed to do.

At every end of the month, we usually play hide and seek with our landlady when she comes around to collect the rental fees. Some pretends to be asleep whenever they fail to get the chance to hide, I have done that. We find these things funny, yet, in my solitude, I realized that it is actually not.

“Education is expensive, if you want a cheaper one, try ignorance,” my professor would usually say whenever I talk to him of my problems. His words almost brought me to the same decision as that of my friend’s. But my persistence and determination pushed me on. It was like a big surprise to me when I realized, few days before the graduation day, that I’ve made it.

Hearing my name being called for the award, were the sweetest words I’ve ever heard. That very moment I was standing onstage, I never felt that tall. I felt that I’ve won the battle, not only inside the academe but more on the challenges outside the portals of the school.

I wish I can inspire my friend and tell her that it is possible to survive. But I cannot. I would be a hypocrite by doing so. No matter from what perspective you look at it, sufferings are sufferings and they are never easy. I wish I can tell my friend to go on, to persist and overcome whatever lies ahead. But I feel that pushing her to continue means more suffering, more hunger to face, and more ordeals to overcome.

I am not a superhero, I was also hurt when at some point, I was laughed at by my classmates. They do not understand, perhaps, how it feels to be in my condition. I was hurt but I never cried and I am proud of that. Though my stomach is usually empty and my shoulders laden with concerns, I held my head high. I remained firm for I know my principles.

I still remember to this day how my classmates would laugh at me whenever I would run from the BU Main Campus to the Daraga Campus for our next subject. I needed to decide then, whether to take a jeep or skip another meal. I had to decide where my money would go. It’s a funny thing to note from that experience that sometimes, I come to class ahead of them because of traffic jamms.

I have faced life with difficulty and I have seen the different masks of hardships. I became a writer, tutor, encoder, editor, and even a dishwasher only to overcome the hardships. While it is true that hardships may seem endless, it is also a fact that the variety of ways that we can do to survive is also endless. But not all people are capable of coping up with the alternatives offered by the existing consequences. Not all are firm enough to stand such consequences or strong enough to face the crowd in such condition.

“A beautiful person is he who is not afraid to show his flaws,” I usually tell people whenever they would tease me because of my “exhibitions.” Sadly, more often than not, they fail to absorb the context of the statement. My voice remain unclear and my thoughts unheard to them. It was one of the most tragic things that could possibly happen to a writer—not finding the right words to express himself in such a way that he is understood.

Talking about these things is something which I refused to do for quite a long time. I never spoke publicly of these sufferings, simply because they will never see it from my perspective. I also find it useless to talk of these things, but my friend made me realize that it is necessary for me to share these experiences. My friend is not alone in such condition; I know there is a lot of a student out there facing the same thing. Perhaps, this thought of mine will make them realize that their condition is not actually a dead end but a turning point.

My experiences made me realize that it matters not whether you are laughed at by the people around. What matters is what you will become after the days of hardships. I do not want to brag and enumerate the things that I have now. It is something that I leave for them to discover. Poetically, it goes this way-- a butterfly does not mind being inside a cocoon for it knows that someday, other creatures will be looking in awe as it spread its wings. Life is as simple as that.

I was supposed to tell my friend that it was easy, that she can make it and that the sufferings will stop one day. But when I asked myself as to when, I never found the answer. It was such a difficult question that not even a shadow of answer was seen.

In a flash, I remembered the dizzy feeling because of skipping meals, the grumbling of stomach, the partial tuition fees, pack of oatmeal, the cup of coffee and the single pair of uniform which I used for four years. I decided to hold back my words. I made it through but it was not easy. I wish I can simply tell my friend it was easy. It is saddening that she is leaving school but I don’t want to be a liar and prolong her agony.